Trying to create a life. Disappointments all in a row. What do I have to complain about? This harsh feeling I can’t escape. I’ll never be valuable. That’s how I feel. The few skills I have are unappreciated. It’s very hard to see many paths for me other than those of the hero or the villain. The two extremes. They often have similar origin stories. Got picked on, didn’t fit in, weren’t understood. But somehow, through an accident or just over time, they achieved some kind of greatness. An unmatched power or intellect which they could then shape the world with. But I don’t think that’ll happen. I guess I just have to relax and focus on getting better at kindness. Enjoy the simple things in life. Don’t let it destroy me. Those obsessive, circular thoughts.

Envy. All the time. I wish I got to do that. I wish I was in their situation and had my life moving forward. I wish I got attention like that. I wish I had fancy stories to tell. I wish I could brag about quitting smoking but I never started in the first place so nobody cares. I think I’m annoyed at the lack of creative things I’ve done. Or new things I’ve tried. There is no direction in my life. No aims or goals. I need a plan even if it’s not perfect. Some kind of strategy to better my position.

Losing lots of chess games but why does that affect me so much? It’s like having the carpet pulled out from underneath you. It’s the surprising part that’s frustrating. You want to learn new things but of course, you keep making the same old mistakes. Why does my mind seem to trick me all the time? Why can’t I be a happy, unified being? First you have to accept where you are. The truth in all of its subtle detail. The ups and downs of who you are. The potential. Then move from there. Perhaps every artist eventually finds mysticism. The way you don’t pick your life. You try to control your destiny but eventually you’ve become confused about who you are. You want to get at that thing called humanity. The mysterious nature of existence. It’s the only thing that still fascinates you.

I also believe in innocence. I remember being a kid and just having fun. It was a real thing. Being able to entertain people or make them laugh can help heal me. Prevent pain for other people. Help them become stronger. Empower them. That’s probably a major cause of depression – a lack of power. Especially to affect your own life. It’s often an illusion though. Once you’re shown the way, everything changes. Then later, you can help others wake up from the Matrix.

The first step is noticing the clues. Recognising patterns. That *something* is there even if you don’t know what. Then you begin to intuit meaning from things. Start putting pieces together. Finally a whole new world is available to you. Where are you know? What are the patterns you’ve yet to understand? What are the patterns you’ve yet to even notice?

Perhaps some evils are difficult to avoid. How can I eat without taking food away from others? If there are limited resources, someone must lose, right? But separate from that, nothing can take away from the pure goodness of a smile to a stranger. Any situation where something nice spontaneously happens. Music is good. More of that. And knowledge. They will make things better. And eventually we might know how to progress without stepping on others.

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Mine Is Bigger Than Yours

A raging storm within. Men don’t know what it’s like to be women. White people don’t know what it’s like to be black. Straight people don’t know what it’s like to be gay. And therefore, we don’t know what it’s like to be discriminated against. Well, nobody knows what it’s like to be me either. We share experiences as humans and hopefully we can understand and help eachother. But one of the most destructive things is to create separation, to end things. To say “that person is evil” and have that be the end of your thinking. They’re not human like me, they are simply evil and that’s it. To say that other people can’t understand and that’s it. You’re creating a lie. And completely denying it, possibly not even aware of it. Why would you need to be? As long as you get the attention you want.

Just because you’re part of a majority doesn’t mean you haven’t been discriminated against. In almost all countries women are more numerous than men, there were more black people than white people in South Africa, more Indians than British people in India. When I do dancing or clowning (and sometimes teaching), I’m often one of the only men. And the reasons for discrimination are irrelevant. Violence or suppression of any kind is bad. Let’s focus more on the individual and humanity itself. Who did what and why? How was each person affected? This includes taking responsibility. Stand up for what you believe in, even if you’re alone. Others will feel the same way and then you’ll be their leader. But you don’t have to worry about that, only do what you think is right to do. You can encourage them to think for themselves and they have the choice whether to follow or not.

It sickens me that some people go through an experience and then stand up only for people similar to themselves, completely missing the point. EVERYONE has been discriminated against at some point. Be specific and direct about what happened to you. WHO did it? Tell THEM rather than throwing all men or white people or whoever into one category. Blanket statements like “all men do it and they don’t even realise it” are useless and ignorant. Why turn things into a battle to see who has more things to complain about? Women have periods and childbirth, men can get hit in the balls and aren’t allowed to leave a sinking ship until all the women and children have. Many women seem arrogant about their ability to expect chivalry from men. That men need them and should do everything for them. You wonder how people can go for so long without realising their stupidity. When anyone does anything for someone, they should be grateful. Everyone should help everyone, people can excell at whatever they’re good at and everyone should be happy for their abilities and what they can offer.



The people who have really been through something don’t complain about it. They rarely mention it. It’s not what defines them. It’s a part of their past. Something they rose above. They make no assumptions about the pasts of other people they meet. They don’t put themselves higher. But some of those people that go through one bad thing and then take an entire history of discrimination as some kind of trophy, as if they endured it themself, I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what it’s like to have parents or grandparents that went through horrible things. But it’s like being dumped. Complaining about it shows no respect to anyone who hasn’t been in a relationship. I know very little about my family, I have no grand history to show off to people. I’m just me. Maybe you should simply appreciate the fact that you get to have a connection to other generations and that their problems weren’t yours. You’re more than welcome to share your story, but not if it’s in a patronising tone.

Everyone wants more for themselves. But how often are they curious to learn about you? When do they make you feel better about yourself? When do they humbly offer their story without any baggage attached to it?

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Step One

Invisible stuff. It’s annoying. Oh, here’s another fee you have to pay. Nice, I guess I’ll just pay it and hope there aren’t too many other ones coming up, who needs warning or reasons anyhow? So much easier to manipulate things you can see. The genius of the mirror. Ultimate control of our strongest sensory dimension. To be able to see inside. Nothing can stop you then. When the curtain is open, the fourth wall broken, we become a part of the show.

Fearing that my youth is over. Now I’m resigned to it. My life is boring enough that I can wait in line for things without fidgeting. I’m not bothered by the idea of driving somewhere and filling out a form or dropping something off simply because I have to, it’s what adults do. How did I get into this mess? I solemnly follow lego instructions rather than indulging in random creativity.

When was the crime committed? When they thought of it or when they actually did it? If they fail, should they face the same punishment as if they’d succeeded? What if they don’t get caught, did it even happen? When does a thing begin? I suppose that Spielberg’s Minority Report has already expertly explored this territory and I could very well explore the story by Philip K. Dick on which it is based. I also suppose this is one of the things the controversy over abortions stems from.

Of course there can be no single answer. You have to be more specific. The concept of cause and effect is fundamental. One thing leads to another, there are patterns, rules, predictions can be made, things can be proven. The theme of nature versus nurture also seems deeply relevant. When something unexpected happens, exactly where did it deviate from what was anticipated? Was it inevitable? Some kind of free, meaningful choice? A spontaneous result of chance? Look closely at what you thought you knew. The answer is probably simple and unimaginative. A magician makes a card levitate. It’s on a string. But no-one thinks of that. The performer’s too casual and that’s too obvious. When the impossible happens, your assumptions collapse. Proof by contradiction. Working backwards.

Woah, woah, woah, SLOW DOWN.

Woah, woah, woah, SLOW DOWN.

Princess is a word. A feminised version of prince. Actresses can be called actors but not the other way around. So is Sleeping Beauty’s Aurora a prince? Clearly not. I seem to recall there was some controversy over the word authoress or some such. Classic. To be told you do something like a girl is universally recognised as an insult, especially in regards to running, throwing, catching, lifting things, drinking and sneezing. A turn of phrase in common usage by both the known sexes. Perhaps the equivalent is telling someone they apply make-up like a boy (as in badly).

English doesn’t have masculine and feminine words. Except in some places. Peculiar. When words cause so much fuss, you know something’s wrong with society. Any nigger could tell you that. Lol, okay maybe I’m being retardedly ignorant but isn’t that my right? Do I have to cover for every possible interpreted meaning of each word I use? Is this what we call freedom of speech?

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Atheists unite! Isn’t it funny how Atheism is becoming a religion, basically? Always banding together and discussing religious topics continuously. Defending themselves, mocking or putting down Christianity. I thought you were atheist, not antitheist. The whole point is to not talk about it, to move on and do interesting things. To identify as an atheist seems inherently contradictory to me. It’s like calling silence a genre of music. Religion has nothing to do with anything except for personal beliefs. What do organised crime and organised religion have in common? Right, the o word.

How much violence has been done in the name of religion? Who cares?! The violence is the problem. Can religion incite people to violence? That seems as silly as blaming video games. Was being a Nazi a religion? The problem is brainwashing, propaganda. And a part of that is weak minds. It’s why being intelligent, as in being a completely independent person in terms of the way you think, is so important. Stop making groups and stand up for yourself. There’s nothing more pathetic than a gang, whatever their cool name is and their fancy principles. That stuff always falls apart.

Why do we embrace tolerance? It adds to discrimination. It breeds ignorance. We have a responsibility to call out bad things in any and all cultures. We should learn about them and be aware of their details. Unless it’s stuff that doesn’t really matter and seems boring, then we don’t have to. But stop pretending like every culture is equally precious and valuable. I don’t care how long you’ve been doing something, stupid is as stupid does. Reasons are reasons, anything else deserves no respect. Religion and tradition can’t justify anything except for personal preferences. Logic prevails over all. Perhaps I’m misunderstanding religion. But whatever it has to offer is perfectly valid and exists outside of the religion as well.

Why do you have to pick just one? What worse sign of taste is there than exclusivity? The Bible is just another book. If Einstein says something stupid, it doesn’t suddenly become smart. Your words against my words. It’s the subtle art of learning, teaching. Bringing out something in the student that was already there, a dormant potential. Never accept something you don’t understand or agree with, unless it’s a random personal choice that you don’t mind. Remember that you didn’t get it and come back to it later. Any artifact of any kind is only as valuable as what it can do for you. This doesn’t decrease the value of things, it increases it. Everything has to earn it’s place. Love the Bible not because of its name but for what it contains. And only decide once you’ve experienced it first hand for yourself. Stop talking *about* things and dive into them.

Not all civilisations produce the same quality output. Let the art and history speak for itself. Let people discuss it and study it. But let’s not revere things we know nothing about. No god intimidates me. I am the master of my destiny. Yes, I might like to have some meaning to my life, some connection to something “bigger” than this existence. But then, what could be bigger? Who’s to say this life isn’t as profound as I could ever imagine? Who’s to say I can’t achieve more than anyone ever thought possible (of me or of anyone or any god)? You can only prove possibilities, limitations are always speculation. Make the world all that it can be, make yourself all that you can be!

Observations, nor even prejudice can ever be racist, sexist, “homophobic”, agist, or anything along those lines. Ah, the shortcomings of arbitrarily chosen and popularised terms. English, like any language has such power and freedom, versatility. But we take words and forget their meanings, their origins and use them to mean vague things and fulfil some need for illogical poetry, clever quotes and wisdom. Value big words over ones that we understand. The same as ancient traditions. Well, it’s got a good brand name, must be good! I certainly wouldn’t want to consider it on it’s own terms or have to think about it or have an opinion on it.

So, are “homophobes” afraid of homosexuals? Or of somehow becoming like that themselves? Or do they hate and despise them? Does it matter when all you want to do is get on your soapbox and have a grand moment of nonsensical righteousness? Who needs definitions when your ideas are so vague and uninformed anyway? What’s wrong with being afraid of something? Some fears are rational and some are harmless. Again, the problem is violence and discrimination, it doesn’t matter what the reasons are.



The problem isn’t making assumptions about people, we do it all the time. It usually helps, even if it’s based on stereotypes, most of which are based on reality. The problem is when previous beliefs triumph over thought and logic. Like if you see an Asian driving just fine but you can’t except it, so you block it out and alter your observations to suit your beliefs. That’s right, the problem isn’t stereotypes at all, it’s stupidity. That’s all. We couldn’t survive without stereotypes. That person is standing behind an information desk, maybe they can help me. Oh, but wait. I’m making unfair assumptions. Let me make my life harder for myself. As long as you learn from life, and preferably notice lots of things, keep those senses wide awake, you’re a good decent person (in the world of discrimination at least).

It seems similar to irrational fears. The simplest cure is exposure. Enough time being close to clowns and realising their harmless and you’re fine, forever. So in theory, enough time seeing Mexicans doing work, and you’ll never make assumptions about their laziness ever again (like that’ll ever happen). What, I can’t be funny? So indeed, stubborness is our enemy here. One that will never be defeated by political correctness. One which might be partially born in the way we treat children, at schools and everywhere else.

Past generations get all this credit for having harder lives and working harder, but what about our credit for being less violent and less racist (and all the rest) than any of them? We’re all in this together. Einstein might’ve come up with relativity before me, but he did have an unreasonably large headstart. Plus, I doubt he knew how to program in Python. BOOM! Let’s stop patting dead people on the back in lieu of current thinkers and embrace the sum-total of human capacity, now and in the past and in the future. No-one cares if you’re stronger than an 8-year-old. Unless you’re 5. There’s a reason for that.

Is gayness a natural phenomenon? Isn’t nature just beautiful and serene? But also severe and harsh? So powerful, the source of all life, creativity, art. But also of dull, boring things. Mistakes, random choices, ignorance. It’s easy to appreciate nature now. But what about those millions of years before recorded history. Do they, did they even exist? How about those gorgeous natural disasters that we’re all just waiting with baited breath for? And how terrible the hand of man, destroying forests for personal gain. Unlike those volcanos and locusts of pure, innocent nature.

Is there a living thing that doesn’t act out of personal interest or instinct? Is there any difference between the laws of physics and the laws of human nature, nature itself? The ability to critique human nature ironically comes from man’s greatest achievement, consciousness. The universe finally woke up. We’re still waking up. We were just born. And now we’re getting annoyed at ourselves for all the problems we’ve created. Hilarious. It’s the fate of every great artist, as their skill increases, so to does their appreciation of true art. They never perfectly satisfy their longings. So they constantly critique themselves. Or they understand what’s happening and delight in the irony of existence. And find enjoyment in everything.

The way genius, originality, bravery become a colour, a mere fad, a reference later on. The popularity of Mozart’s classic hits which have seemingly hit the top 40 and forever defined him. The average band might have 5 albums. You judge them after one song, perhaps. For the same perspective on Mozart, you’d need to hear 30 “songs” to have the same amount of insight. Eine Kleine Nachmusik’s familiarity trumps any context it might otherwise have. It might as well have been a ringtone originally for what most people would care or know. And yet people are opiniated about classical music. Have the decency to acknowledge your ignorance. I don’t have an opinion on things I know nothing about.

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Listening to soundtracks. Still doing puzzles. Obsessively trying to learn French, German, Japanese and Arabic. Just those languages. There are rules, you know. Trying to make myself work hard. Trying to do the hard yards. Figure out what that process is. I have some idea of where I want to end up. To be good at everything, of course. What else? But how do you get there? How many bad poems before a good one? How long before you can hold an interesting conversation with anyone?

A slave to the things I’m already in the middle of. How do you have a truly original thought? How do I reconnect with my feelings? What on Earth happened to me? Maybe it’s all good. Maybe I just lack perspective. I consciously follow strict morals. Or something like that. I understand the principle of following through with things. But I try to do everything at once. Always have my mind on something else. Everything is incomplete. Not good enough. My mind and soul are never at rest. There are so many unresolved emotions.

You will gain all these skills and abilities. But what are you losing in the meantime? Did I knowingly make this sacrifice? What if I can never get back what I had? What if I’ll never be the same person again?

How deoderant works.

How deoderant works.

Still haven’t filled out the forms for being a high school teacher. For casual teaching. Laziness or something else entirely? I don’t engage with myself. I am a ghost most of the time. Unnoticed. This is not a sob story, just an observation. It’s strange. I’m an edgy person in a way because I haven’t accepted myself. I don’t know how I feel about things. I, like everyone else, am a hypocrite. It’s inescapable. It’s not deliberate or even necessarily that bad. Nobody wants to be one. Want things but also want to pretend like I don’t want them. In denial. An uncomfortable presence for other people. I need to work these things out. Relax and know myself. Begin living. Do only what matters.

We live in this moment. Infinitesimally small. We see the skin and hair of people. Ignore all the flesh underneath. The complex anatomy that’s beyond our understanding. We live in a tiny sheath around the Earth. The thousands of kilometres below us never enter our thoughts, nor the millions of light years above us. It’s the nature of this world. So then, why are you here, now? Of all the places you could be? Of all the times? Perhaps it makes no difference. But this consciousness exists. So, what are you going to do with it?

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Painting #18

This is it. I knew for sure as soon as I saw it. So many memories are coming back to me. I really have forgotten who I was. It’s been so long. I become emotional without knowing why. But then I’ve forgotten again. The feelings gradually subside and another few years pass before it happens again.



(c) 16/5/2011 Christopher William Reid.

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Photo #3

I like the composition in this one, the subtle interplay of the colours with the striking shadows. When you have been blown away by the beauty of this image… then, you have my permission to die.

Me and My Car

Me and My Car

(c) 19/7/2012 Christopher William Reid.

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