I need something, or perhaps someone, so badly. I’m 29. So much of my life gone. I feel like I have nothing to show for it. Nothing has added up. It seems I did musicals to make friends that I never actually have any contact with other than Facebook (shudder). No regular friends of any kind at all. I’m in limbo with some people. Don’t know whether to make an effort or just wait or give up entirely. I’m not clear in my head. I alternate between different versions of what I should say and do. No-one from high school or university. No-one. Distant memories, less real than the movies I’ve watched in the last week.
What is my problem with Facebook? So many things. It’s hard to put into words: broken into little parts, it all seems harmless and cute. I think it’s similar to the issues I have with ads, sitcoms, the news, reality TV shows. There’s this world of media out there, vying for our attention non-stop. And we all want to be celebrities. And then Facebook is this magical site where you get to be a star. We’re all so happy to get so many likes, so much attention. But it’s fake. There is so little substance. It’s just another popularity game. People trying to outdo each-other with witty comebacks, memes, pictures, videos, references, hashtags, irony. It is the opposite of life. Frivolousness is glorified. Life is over-simplified. It feels completely corrupt. One person will post about losing a loved one, another will post an ambiguous and trivial status update, another will share a random article they found. I don’t know, maybe that’s what life is.
When I played soccer a few years ago, I had spasms one time and nearly felt like I had a heart-attack another. I was extremely stressed then and I clearly am now as well. Some sort of demon has stayed with me all this time. I don’t know if I will ever feel released from it. I hated the sport culture: I didn’t want to go drinking afterwards, training was too slow and not very fun (I didn’t need a coach, just practice and experience), I got low on blood-sugar during matches and felt sick, many of the players were overly aggresive dicks. AFL was similar. The bad sportsmanship I saw made me furious. Ironically these “masculine” sports felt like the gayest things I’ve ever done. Maybe that’s weird or irrelevant or homophobic but men act differently when women aren’t around. They’re all trying to be the biggest, toughest and roughest while actually showing how weak and shallow they are. I was always an individual. But still not quite confident for whatever reason. The problem is that I care about things so I’m emotional and unsure of myself. If I didn’t give a shit I could easily be intimidating, outgoing, a complete smart-arse.
Everything I’ve done was always to make myself more loveable. I wanted to be smarter, more attractive, stronger, kinder, funnier. Obsessed with learning and finding the keys. I feel like I will die alone. With only my thoughts and memories. But I’m so guilt-ridden that it’s hell. I’m restricted and frustrated. Every moment of hope is false. There is no end-point. But of course, that makes sense. Life is constantly moving. The problem is that I’m not enjoying the ride. I dread it. Almost all hallways lead to pain. Happy thoughts are perhaps the most painful because they remind me of regrets, what I’ve missed out on and what I may never have.
I have to take a chance. On several things. On jobs I don’t want to do anymore. Creative things I want to try. Making things, lots of things. Educational things, my own ways of explaining things, my own theories. Have more fun and silliness. More indulgence in music and movies. The things I love. I have to stop respecting bullshit. Get more confident calling it out. Be tactful but say something!
Every skill I work on is the one that will save me. Just a little better and then everything will fall into place. I will finally love myself and accept that everything is okay. If I was really good at chess then at least people would have to respect me or like me a bit. They couldn’t ignore me completely. I think the problem is that I was good at things as a kid. So I thought I might get really good at something as an adult. But nowadays we can see everything and everyone on the internet. For anything I can do, there’s a kid in Japan that can do it blindfolded. I feel like I have nothing. I don’t feel sexy. Women can wear suggestive clothing and move a certain way and it just affects me. But I don’t feel I can do anything to affect anyone. I’m too isolated. Don’t get out enough. I open up to the wrong people. My family constantly fails to help. And yet I turn to them because there is nobody else. I have to turn to myself. Trust my instincts. In retrospect, I have been right for years.