Still lost. Can’t create any new music. So many possibilities but they all feel empty. Just bland, logical sequences. I don’t know how to understand my emotions, music itself. I guess nobody fully gets it so I shouldn’t worry. Just going through the motions of my life. A ghost observing the daily habits I have at this time. Scared of the full-time job I’ll soon be working. Not sure if I’ll cope. It’ll probably be fine. Easy even.
That sadness, all this anger I carry. Envious of people that are already married by this age. People living exciting lives or at least feeling loved. Getting what they want, being heard, laughed at, looked up to. People that are accomplished, noticed by others. I just sit and play chess everyday and keep making the same mistakes. Go in circles, hoping I’m somehow improving. That’s it though, you’re pushing. You’re struggling. It must mean you’re making progress. All that’s missing is that self-love or some better name for the same thing. A natural passion for life, the freedom to explore whatever I want to explore. I’m not wanting things as much. I just want to hide. Have a clean slate and start again. Understand my life, everything, this moment. Need a symbol or sign to lead the way. A reminder or something brand new.
I seek happiness through these indirect things. Where does the pain come from? That’s the issue that needs to be addressed. Getting good at chess won’t suddenly turn my life around. I’m so easily triggered by certain things, certain people. Fun girls. They remind me of how alone I am, how isolated and judgemental. I can’t be funny or cool, I can’t impress anyone. I feel worthless so perhaps I project that onto other people. I believe in self-diagnosis, or at least the idea of understanding things for yourself. Whether its maths or psychology or whatever. You don’t have to be an expert or take short-cuts but just have a firm grip on the important concepts. It’d be good to have more mastery of my feelings and emotions (not sure if there’s a difference). If I can’t master chess, how can I master anything else? I probably am learning a lot, but it’s subtle, invisible.
I’m getting in arguments every day. Fighting for my life, against unknown demons. Is this a standard phase that everyone goes through? Some test? I get angry at the Sun, the cold air-conditioning, any technology that doesn’t work. Everyone’s against me. How did I get like this? No answers yet. Just try to find peace, little moments of quietness and clarity. Keep playing music and chess, reading and thinking. The rewards will hopefully come later.