Keep thinking about this person. I think it’s just reminding me of how isolated and alone I feel. I really liked her and felt comfortable around her. But there were plenty of red flags. The problem is finding those positive feelings again in a different context. Or something. I think I have insecurities and that’s where all the pain comes from. I’m vulnerable. Which is fine, it’s a beautiful quality to have. Once I understand that, I can become stronger without losing myself. Fall into my emotions and understand them, use them. I just felt so worthless and betrayed. It has lingered this entire time and I feel like I’ve gotten nowhere. I hate myself for this as usual.
I only connect with people through their art. I prefer the way people express themselves when they’re aiming for something beautiful or divine or inspirational or whatever we watch movies and read books for. They take themselves seriously in that context, they become more than themselves. They become a vessel for some higher kind of communication. They are my friends, they’ve affected me and been there for me. These directors and actors and composers and writers. People talk so frivolously in person, in text messages. I only want to speak to the world, to other people in these artistic ways and yet I haven’t made anything in ages. I still try to joke around and uplift people, make them think or laugh or impress them with a skill they haven’t seen before. I have no idea if it makes any impression at all.
I seem to be obsessed with controlling people without realising it. That’s where my frustration comes from. Why don’t they try harder to learn new things? Why aren’t they more open-minded? Why don’t they understand me or see the depth inside me? The sadness? Why so short-sighted and shallow? Can nobody else see how superficial and self-destructive our society is? The way we jump to judgement or conclusions instantly? Or praise something that’s cute or clever, that conveniently fits into our pre-existing notion of beauty or originality? The way we drug ourselves, loudly argue over things and only want attention when we think we’re right. Highlight only the aspects of an argument that benefit us personally. A world of kids or teenagers in adult bodies. Throwing tantrums, taking revenge, muttering to ourselves because we didn’t get our way.
Barriers. Superconductors suddenly have no obstruction for the charges flowing through them below a certain temperature. That’s the breakthrough we each need. Things are only hard because we get in our own way. Once you have the right idea and feel the freedom you intrinsically have, it’s easy. Occasionally it seems to happen. Everything comes naturally and you feel alive. You directly connect with whatever you’re manipulating or interacting with. You become one with it.
I’m scared about teaching. I don’t think this is the job for me. I just want real happiness for a change. To have a really great time. To have some life-changing moments. To be exhausted from happiness. To not be afraid or feel like I have to explain things or justify them, to have to apologise for feeling down. I don’t know why I feel this way. Why does it matter? Of course I don’t want it. I just want respect and trust. Space and time. To feel like everything is going to be alright.