Trying to create a life. Disappointments all in a row. What do I have to complain about? This harsh feeling I can’t escape. I’ll never be valuable. That’s how I feel. The few skills I have are unappreciated. It’s very hard to see many paths for me other than those of the hero or the villain. The two extremes. They often have similar origin stories. Got picked on, didn’t fit in, weren’t understood. But somehow, through an accident or just over time, they achieved some kind of greatness. An unmatched power or intellect which they could then shape the world with. But I don’t think that’ll happen. I guess I just have to relax and focus on getting better at kindness. Enjoy the simple things in life. Don’t let it destroy me. Those obsessive, circular thoughts.
Envy. All the time. I wish I got to do that. I wish I was in their situation and had my life moving forward. I wish I got attention like that. I wish I had fancy stories to tell. I wish I could brag about quitting smoking but I never started in the first place so nobody cares. I think I’m annoyed at the lack of creative things I’ve done. Or new things I’ve tried. There is no direction in my life. No aims or goals. I need a plan even if it’s not perfect. Some kind of strategy to better my position.
Losing lots of chess games but why does that affect me so much? It’s like having the carpet pulled out from underneath you. It’s the surprising part that’s frustrating. You want to learn new things but of course, you keep making the same old mistakes. Why does my mind seem to trick me all the time? Why can’t I be a happy, unified being? First you have to accept where you are. The truth in all of its subtle detail. The ups and downs of who you are. The potential. Then move from there. Perhaps every artist eventually finds mysticism. The way you don’t pick your life. You try to control your destiny but eventually you’ve become confused about who you are. You want to get at that thing called humanity. The mysterious nature of existence. It’s the only thing that still fascinates you.
I also believe in innocence. I remember being a kid and just having fun. It was a real thing. Being able to entertain people or make them laugh can help heal me. Prevent pain for other people. Help them become stronger. Empower them. That’s probably a major cause of depression – a lack of power. Especially to affect your own life. It’s often an illusion though. Once you’re shown the way, everything changes. Then later, you can help others wake up from the Matrix.
The first step is noticing the clues. Recognising patterns. That *something* is there even if you don’t know what. Then you begin to intuit meaning from things. Start putting pieces together. Finally a whole new world is available to you. Where are you know? What are the patterns you’ve yet to understand? What are the patterns you’ve yet to even notice?
Perhaps some evils are difficult to avoid. How can I eat without taking food away from others? If there are limited resources, someone must lose, right? But separate from that, nothing can take away from the pure goodness of a smile to a stranger. Any situation where something nice spontaneously happens. Music is good. More of that. And knowledge. They will make things better. And eventually we might know how to progress without stepping on others.