Talked about many things. All of these little moments. I was actually kind of nervous in a lot of ways. It was new territory for me. Talking to a female for that long. I’ve never hung out with someone before. My existence is so strange. Sometimes I can’t handle the intensity of life or don’t think I can. The way our decisions can carve out huge portions of our life. Put us on some pathway forever. Not really. That’s silly. It’s amazing how many places in the world I feel so unwelcome in. Or at least, they don’t take my pain and anguish away. I can’t calmly look at them. I feel like people are trying to control me. Sell me things. Even plants seem cliché in their beauty.
Invisible progress. A fanciful construct indeed. If you’re trying, there must be benefits right? Please don’t break my heart. I forgot how alone I’ve been. I should be proud. Or possibly not. Unnecessary risk is stupid, not brave. A selfenforced solitude may well be selfish. A way to delay your responsibilities. Give the least you have to.
I hope I can grow into a better person continually. Get closer to that vague, impractical image in my mind. Find a purpose. A way to improve the world. Cheer up or empower the right people. Well then, let’s get started. First, know thyself. Or some such. Pain is just a feeling. It’s the world communicating with you. It’s not so bad if you understand it. It’s telling you to move, to do something. Maybe I’m not talking about pain specifically. More that idea of tension or discomfort. Anything that demands a response. An urge. A plea. Something that you can’t ignore.
Once you know the format, you can rattle them off. It’s neverending. You absorb it and use it constantly. It becomes an extension of you. Organic and energised. Intertwined. But then there’s an error. You lose touch. Your fear makes things worse. Panic sets in. It’s all lost. Had a good run though. Did it belong to you? Or did you just find something and play around with it for a while? Where do I begin and end? Does that even make sense? When am I meant to come alive? Stir and rise up from the depths? Or do I plunge further, awaiting my time?
The pressure to compromise. So ironic that we’re always searching for the truth. As if it hides or runs away. As if it can be found. Maybe I talked too much. Tried to cover things. Too much about one thing or another. No balance. No social intuition. Early days. Or perhaps the last days. Envious of the state of other people’s lives. Their struggles. Their habits. Classic voyeurism. Sick of your own routine. Taken with strangers. Time will tell. What it meant. What it could signify or cause. The multifaceted implications. Maybe movies aren’t everything. But a way to share everything. If only it could be captured. The infinite spiral of beauty wrapped up in every single thing. Ready when you are. To be unravelled and absorbed. Permanently.