Empty feelings. Good in a way. A sign of returning. At least I’m noticing the absence of something. Always comparing things to the good old days. I want to record everything. Save it forever. Little things, every site I visit, every video and article, every movie or game or book review. So that I know on what date I read it. Could be cool. Keep track of things. But isn’t it over the top? How much have I already lost? How much remains to be gained? So I’m in this valley and don’t know what’s beyond the mountain. Do I really want to climb it? Why don’t I just go back to my cabin and play some ps3? Or look up on Google Maps what’s up ahead?
You only get out what you put in. But there seems to be a delay. Old habits die hard. You won’t see results straight away. I actually think that’s generally a bad sign. Too much positive feedback and you might get lazy, get used to it. You always want that healthy desire, longing runing throughout your entire life. A strong feeling but one which you understand and can carry in your stride. It doesn’t rule you, but it’s a nice part of you which you’re never in denial about.
Time passing by as always. What are the deepest issues of my life right now? Why can’t I get more satisfaction out of it? I think I want it to be hard. I know that. Otherwise I’m just going through the motions. But I’ve got to follow through. Just do things. Find out later. It’s okay to be fooled once. But after that, you’ll have to learn if you want to retain any dignity. Any vestige of self respect. Screw dashes and/or hyphens. They can go away. I reckon either just connect words into a new word or have spaces between them and they’re a phrase. And so it was. With these words, the new rules of the English language had been set forth.
So many tabs open. It’s my form of hoarding. I don’t keep that much stuff. I don’t buy things. But I keep lots of free things. Download pictures and bookmark pages. Never to actually use them. So many things copied to the computer and yet if the internet is down, there is mysteriously nothing to do. You’re hands are supposedly tied behind your back. So impressive is your imagination.
Perhaps I’m still just setting up for the future. I knew the Japanese characters for the Power Rangers Super Samurai. How very impressive. A nice little party trick that is hopefully improving every day as I studiously tinker away at these lacklustre skills. What’s enough to count? Get everything out there. I remember those exams. Still don’t know what it was all for. Some kind of personal test. Of your endurance. It’s all died out now. That inner fire to become somebody. To be a success. You see there’s nothing. Maybe I just don’t get out enough. In need of travel, perspective, context. And other synonyms.
I wonder what the future holds. What punishments for old mistakes. How much more will I lose only to reach some kind of respectable position except too late. I’ll explain that I could have done more and none will believe me. How arrogant. To think anyone will ever ask me a question. The art of asking and listening is a lost one indeed. Where have those craftsmen gone to? Maybe the problem was they needed craftswomen to have children with. And with that final awful joke, I bid thee adieu.