Waking Up

Speak not of the achievements but of the discoveries themselves. Focus on the details, not the meaning. That is for them to do in their own minds.

Neon Genesis complete. Way ahead of its time. Like many ambitious artistic endeavours, it doesn’t go the way you expect it to. It’s something different from what you’ve ever seen before. It leaves you hanging, wondering what you just saw. Personally I found it to be very satisfying. Some seem to dislike the final episodes of the series. Maybe it’s silly to suggest that they didn’t “get it”, but I think some things are better the more open you are to them. In this case, I think the show responds well to reflection and consideration. The more you put in, the more you’ll get out. But like chocolates, you won’t know what to expect.

Do you start another language or persevere? What does your heart say? That’s all that matters. Did you try? Were you true to yourself? Satisfied with your efforts of late? Yes and no. Still closed in some sense. But that stark purity remains. It haunts you though. People slither through the cracks. Come and go. It’s some strange filter that helps you evolve. Why no “close” friends? Why so uncompromising on this undefined journey which has vaguely begun and gathered steam? Is the game up or is it just getting interesting?

Sweet Charity finished. Lots of drinking and talking and weird memories and images. Going along with things. Unleashing years of disgruntled, isolated anger. Becoming some kind of comedian. Obsessed with trying to make people laugh. It’s all I’ve got. If I even have it at all. It’s not a matter of skill, it’s more that it’s the only thing that once in a while can get a reaction from people and you get that feeling of making a difference and affecting others. Mattering.

Getting frustrated with programming. Want to find out how to do something and every blog post, article, forum message isn’t quite helpful in the right way. Spend an hour or two. Forget the excitement of why you started in the first place. Swallow another day of your life. Getting better and better at not appreciating anything. Then the regret. Turning into an unforgiving statue. Stay here and look at yourself. Stare at your pathetic nature. All these people you could be helping, changing. Why don’t you hear what they’re really saying to you? Everybody wants to know who you really are. And you just shrivel away. Because your memory says that’s what you always do.

Get annoyed about people causing their own problems while you get stuck in the middle. You care but you’re not clever enough to fix it, to do anything helpful. Stuck between the two extremes, eternally.

Wish I’d already finished and submitted it. Moved on. Let those thoughts be crystallised and freed from my clutches. But you held on. Hesitated. Allowed yourself to be in the same place for too long. You were wondering where no person was meant to be doing that. One day you might be reliable. An exciting possibility. Far off in the distance. Funny how so many people have those personal cycles. Gaining and losing weight. Starting and ending things. Going forwards and backwards. Why not just keep doing cool things? Why the unnecessary destruction in between?


About karnok

A legendary ninja.
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