Here again, late at night. Letting the hours go by. Partially aware of the choices that have already been made. The routines I’ve let my soul slide into.
That sudden feeling. That all this time, it wasn’t what you thought. But it’s too scary so you go back to what you’re used to. It keeps happening. It’s a feeling of knowing completely and utterly. Deeply and unnervingly. I should probably look these words up before using them. But time calls for action! In the form of writing blog posts. And then doing other things until the next one. What are those attributes we most admire in others? I think it’s nice when you always have time and attention for other people. When you really listen and actually know some stuff and can relate. When you’re a real, living person. Useful to other people. But that’s not necessarily the most important thing. Sometimes, the best person you can be is not popular in every way. When people have bad habits, they may clash with someone uncomprimisingly good. Congratulations if you have the slightest clue what on Earth I’m saying 🙂
There is something peaceful and serene I get out of this. That feeling of time slowly and steadily passing. Feeling that my pain is not too great. At least I have some vestige of freedom. Looking out the window at university. Making an effort to break time’s destructive pattern. Speaking directly to the pure audience of the distant future. The immortality that comes with that quiet, determined concentration on what you truly feel. Connecting with that thing that never leaves us. Relaxing after a hard day’s work.
First weekend of Sweet Charity done. Some new feelings and some old ones. Sleep most of the next day. Hopefully making friends or just slightly becoming a better person. Less selfish and more interested in making other people happy. Understanding all the things I have and all the things I could give to or do for others. I don’t have to lie when I say I love pretty much everything and everyone. It’s all so beautiful when you just look at it. Take yourself out of the picture. Make it a snapshot of the universe. Compressed into a single person. It’s always so simple and powerful. The idea that you can affect these people is amazing. How could you be depressed when you have so much power to affect yourself and the world around you?
An ad for some kind of mmorpg stupid little game at the top of my browser. Shows the levels. Why are people obsessed with these things? It’s so taboo to point out the silliness of these things. Maybe it’s not so bad. Just a fun way to spend some time. Who are you to judge how other people spend their time? People confuse the unknown with something out of their control or understanding. It’s just new. It’s not that darker emotions are impossible to deal with, it’s just that it hasn’t become a mainstream, well represented part of life that most people know how to deal with. We learn to panic when we’re not immediately sure what to do. Rarely is the skill of dealing with a completely new situation ever developed. But I suppose schools are probably improving all the time.
I don’t know how to communicate it. All these mixed feelings, an opportunity to grow. To make tricky choices. Make things harder for myself. The ultimate test. For now. That’s always an overstatement. Need to make time, give yourself more chances in the future so that you’re not stuck. If it’s hard then it may be good for you. A delicate balance. My dreams are getting forgotten. So many missed chances for fun and experimentation. Just random little events your mind makes up and then immediately deletes. You could really come alive. Become less afraid. Don’t forget, you didn’t create pain. Can you be held responsible for things you never intended?
It’s all over and you wish it could keep going but it’s better that way. To be left wanting more. Rather than wishing it would end.