You wonder if it is love. It reminds you of how pale and lifeless you are. Who would be drawn to you? How much longer will I stand by my ideals before I acknowledge defeat? The absence of rewards takes its toll. No credit for being true to yourself. What if that self is truly and utterly useless? Of no relevance to this world. A simple evolutionary mistake, an innocent misstep. Oh well. There is something peaceful about accepting your fate. You wonder how painful life is meant to be. Does that mean you’re doing the right thing? Why do I feel bad either way? Either you struggle and can barely keep from drowning, suffocation or you take it easy and torture yourself for being lazy. For letting life beat you.
Those habits you can’t shake. Stuck going sideways, in some kind of circle perhaps, or a spiral. Every step forwards two steps back. There’s only one thing left. Helping others. You’re a lost cause but maybe the next generation could have a chance. Confront the raw realities so they don’t have to. Gradually we create a utopia that lived within us all along. The thing about beauty is it only ever increases. Things only get more beautiful the more closely you look at them. It is one of the eternal sources of meaning and joy. Those kinds of things. It cannot be taken or destroyed, only missed or hidden.
Do you have a chance? Or are you kidding yourself? What do you feel, what are you meant to do about it? Should you let it fill you unashamedly, or fight it, understand it? Wow, this post isn’t vague at all! God bless WordPress for saving what I’d written just in case I accidentally clicked the little x at the top right of the window. I mean, we can’t lose this brilliant poetic discourse now can we? Do you ever wonder about those scrapped poems? Those pieces of art that never quite made the cut. What about the ones you just can’t understand? You’d like to, but it just isn’t happening. You don’t get it. Not yet.
Always, that feeling of wanting to make small improvements. That’s all it takes. The best way to be positive. It’s all about learning. Getting back up, or on the horse, or whatever. So many hilarious proverbs out there to consume. And to misinterpret. I’m trying to write this whole post in one go. Going to try to incorporate some stupid humour as well. We shall see. I’m an expert on getting messages too late. I finally get a chance to respond and then I feel rude and ashamed. It’s completely redundant. They may have moved on, maybe it wasn’t meant to be. That little transaction. There’ll be a next time, hopefully. Just keep looking forward.
Started listening to my “podcasts”. Very cool. Nice to just sit back and listen. It’s a good sign if you can listen to yourself talking and not wither away. I seem to be weird about a few things. Everyone hates jury duty, surveys, their own voice, being alone. These are all things I seem to get way too much enjoyment out of. I really take to opportunities to discuss things and give feedback, I like debating things, I prefer to have plenty of time to myself and I’m by far my biggest fan. It’s stupid but I simply adore everything I do. Yes, I often have a feeling of wanting more and being dissatisfied, but overall, I still react as if this guy is the smartest, cleverest, coolest person. Is that a bad thing? To stop and stare whenever you see a mirror? Self-consciousness goes both ways. There’s always a good and a bad aspect. A way to get the most out of the positive parts. Innocence plays a part.
And now, a dreary ending. Your mind breaks when you meet new people. They confuse you by being something you’ve never met before. I didn’t know that was possible. Maybe it can give me hope, but I don’t know if I can change. Maybe it’s not about changing me or the world. Just the connection. The way I move through it. Those subtle beliefs that affect life on every level. I’ll never change. I’ve always been the same person. From before I can remember. But I can put myself in the right place at the right time. Maybe everyone, everything has a purpose. It’s a never-ending game to find that place. To constantly ask questions. Try a position and if it isn’t right, move. Another great analogy. I’m totally on fire. I like casual hyperbole. One of those simple forms of juxtaposition that can give rise to infinite varieties of humour, that greatest of all human inventions.