As long as I’m not the creator of the darkness. I just want to trace the responsibility, the causes. Where does it come from and how has it become so strong? Do you follow through all the way and come back on the other side? How far do you have to go? Or should I be drawing back entirely and taking a completely different path? Well, it’s always good to try new things. Different things. To start paying attention to what you’re doing and not punishing yourself for having done this badly so far. It’s always the right time to do the right thing.
What’s clear? What do you really know for sure?
It seems my new idea, or lesson, is here. A simple kind of discipline. I remember when I didn’t have a computer. Were things much more simple back then? Yep. But I guess you can’t really compare. Anything that makes it easier. Shortcuts so that you didn’t have to fully experience life. It’s so tempting to tell everyone what you’re doing, to get attention for your struggles. To talk about things without doing anything at all. How am going compared to everyone else? When do you officially become a failure? Or is it, indeed, never too late? Here I am, sitting for hours. Listening to music, reading, processing. Little physical activity or creativity. So obsessed with new information and skills. Relax and feel the time passing. It’s yours. Choose what to do. Don’t focus on what you’re missing out on. Pick something and do it. Put everything into it.
I think dreams are very important. Literally and figuratively or whatever that is. I have no connection to my dreams. No recognition of my subconscious. I treat my mind as though it is perfectly complete. There are shores and distant lands. You have to explore. Learn how to fly. That will save you. You feel there is no use for your knowledge and abilities. They have no real applications. No relevance in today’s world. Reverting back to the very beginning. A true rebirth. Retreading an old path, only more rapidly and confidently and ready to go further this time.
Arguments at dinner. Avoid my family so that I can watch what I want. Without money, without appearing as a normal, dignified hard-working person, I have no leverage. What wisdom can I gain? Common flaws are discrimination. Mine is being selfish. I know how the world works, I’m fair. But I’m self-centred. No understanding of context and responsibility. The years will pass and I will regret not having done more, much more. So concerned with proving other people wrong. Making them leave me alone. I’m a critic, not an artist. Annoying to everyone and immediately forgotten. Often right but with what purpose? Good at pointing out faults with the world. Need to look more deeply and challenge myself. Learn from this cunning analysis I supposedly excel at. Note to readers, I’m just writing sentences, I don’t really filter my stupid thoughts.
One model. There is good in the world. You have the power to do things. Therefore, you have to do the right thing, to make things good. All pain can be healed. Of course there might be darkness. But it isn’t yours. Be an example. Indestructible. There is more than enough happiness to go around. More than you will ever be able to imagine. Because it comes from you. It ebbs from within. Where do you start? Everywhere all at once?
I’ve forgotten so much. What life used to be like. How pure my love for the world was. How curious and innocent I was. How much I liked to watch and listen with little to say. It was all new to me. Running out of new experiences. Try to hand things over to the next generation without being too pathetic. Let them outlive you in every way. Destroy your soul by showing you how weak you were. You never tried. You chose to hide from your opportunities. Acted indifferent because you couldn’t admit how much you wish you were actually happy. Become cold, test other people to see if they understand and respect your pain. Show them that they have no idea. If only. Those little moments of peace. When you don’t worry. When the world is yours and then it comes crashing down. You wonder who created this. Have you reached the final confrontation? What a silly notion.
I went through a phase of reading books. But then it was too much. But I’m starting to remember why I got into it. Be careful not to oversaturate. You might destroy what started it all in the first place.