I want to believe this is some kind of noble period. The down time before a series of breakthroughs. It always seems to be like that. The past and the present colliding or some such. New skills being combined with old ones. My weaknesses the same as usual. But maybe there are inklings of changes. Trying to do too many things. Learning but too slowly. It won’t be enough. Time is a harsh judge. But it’s unknowing. Don’t fear it, it has no purpose. It just reflects what we do. It’s karma in full force.
I’m cold compared to my younger self. Really? Sometimes I feel things. But then I shut it all down. Need to somehow bring it out but understand it and make it valuable. Stop dreading life. I hate a lot of the things I do. Not fully committing to what I believe in. There will have to be major changes. But I’m not even sure what’s wrong in the first place. Maybe I just have to admit I want things to be better. Then all these clichés of advice come rushing in. People want to help fix me. No. I’m choosing this. I can’t stand a normal life. This culture we have horrifies me. There are good things but they seem to die all the time. It’s another one of those famous Einstein quotes about the tragedy of life. What’s in a person.
It’s rare to have that first contact any more. It’s always a memory of a memory of a memory. So faint. Nothing is direct. I know what I’m meant to think. I don’t give the moment a chance to be any different. I’m not sure what radical change is needed. Even now, I talk in abstractions. Don’t feel a connection to other peoples’ lives. I have no effect on them. I can’t make a difference. And no respect for myself. The only person that might understand or care about me. I just don’t buy into anything basically. I turn down all offers. Happy to joke around with people but some vacuum exists. But I made it. Cleared a space and won’t fill it with anything. What will I choose to do? My best skill is disappointment. How about realising how much you did all by yourself? Whatevs. I have to make things challenging for myself. Somehow I know it’s all worth it. Not so much pain but simply the idea of never being lazy. You can’t sit around, you can’t be arrogant. You have to keep showing yourself your weaknesses. It’s not masochism, it’s discipline and focus. It all has a clear purpose. You learn how to not immediately judge. Everyone’s story is worthy to me. All aspects of life are there to be explored.
The Dark Knight Rises tomorrow night. World premiere at midnight. Should be epic. First time seeing a movie that late. Curious who will be there. Dressed up nerds? Normal people? Annoying teenagers? Hardcore lonely fans? Obviously these stereotypes are silly and unhelpful but we’ll see. I feel pathetic, looking forward to it so much. And yet I still have this misery in me. A feeling that I lied. I haven’t done much since I finished my last practical. It’s weird not having been to university for so long. I worry that I’m just extraordinarily lazy. I think the problem is that most of the things I do are partial things that never end. No real sense of completion or achievement. For instance, learning languages, chemistry and physics, playing games. They’re all open-ended. There is no closure. They have no end. I need beautiful music again. That says you’re here and you feel something and it’s gloriously meaningful. You are the universe! Basically, brain is going great while heart is just sitting around. Well, it’s pumping blood but that’s about it. I need to explore the unknown and awaken my heart. How original!