Intermission

I want to believe this is some kind of noble period. The down time before a series of breakthroughs. It always seems to be like that. The past and the present colliding or some such. New skills being combined with old ones. My weaknesses the same as usual. But maybe there are inklings of changes. Trying to do too many things. Learning but too slowly. It won’t be enough. Time is a harsh judge. But it’s unknowing. Don’t fear it, it has no purpose. It just reflects what we do. It’s karma in full force.

I’m cold compared to my younger self. Really? Sometimes I feel things. But then I shut it all down. Need to somehow bring it out but understand it and make it valuable. Stop dreading life. I hate a lot of the things I do. Not fully committing to what I believe in. There will have to be major changes. But I’m not even sure what’s wrong in the first place. Maybe I just have to admit I want things to be better. Then all these clichés of advice come rushing in. People want to help fix me. No. I’m choosing this. I can’t stand a normal life. This culture we have horrifies me. There are good things but they seem to die all the time. It’s another one of those famous Einstein quotes about the tragedy of life. What’s in a person.

It’s rare to have that first contact any more. It’s always a memory of a memory of a memory. So faint. Nothing is direct. I know what I’m meant to think. I don’t give the moment a chance to be any different. I’m not sure what radical change is needed. Even now, I talk in abstractions. Don’t feel a connection to other peoples’ lives. I have no effect on them. I can’t make a difference. And no respect for myself. The only person that might understand or care about me. I just don’t buy into anything basically. I turn down all offers. Happy to joke around with people but some vacuum exists. But I made it. Cleared a space and won’t fill it with anything. What will I choose to do? My best skill is disappointment. How about realising how much you did all by yourself? Whatevs. I have to make things challenging for myself. Somehow I know it’s all worth it. Not so much pain but simply the idea of never being lazy. You can’t sit around, you can’t be arrogant. You have to keep showing yourself your weaknesses. It’s not masochism, it’s discipline and focus. It all has a clear purpose. You learn how to not immediately judge. Everyone’s story is worthy to me. All aspects of life are there to be explored.

The Dark Knight Rises tomorrow night. World premiere at midnight. Should be epic. First time seeing a movie that late. Curious who will be there. Dressed up nerds? Normal people? Annoying teenagers? Hardcore lonely fans? Obviously these stereotypes are silly and unhelpful but we’ll see. I feel pathetic, looking forward to it so much. And yet I still have this misery in me. A feeling that I lied. I haven’t done much since I finished my last practical. It’s weird not having been to university for so long. I worry that I’m just extraordinarily lazy. I think the problem is that most of the things I do are partial things that never end. No real sense of completion or achievement. For instance, learning languages, chemistry and physics, playing games. They’re all open-ended. There is no closure. They have no end. I need beautiful music again. That says you’re here and you feel something and it’s gloriously meaningful. You are the universe! Basically, brain is going great while heart is just sitting around. Well, it’s pumping blood but that’s about it. I need to explore the unknown and awaken my heart. How original!

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About karnok

A legendary ninja.
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3 Responses to Intermission

  1. Aditya says:

    Hey Reidy,

    When I read these deeply personal posts, and certainly when I comment on them, I feel like I’m clumsily intruding on your space. Hope you don’t mind too much. Anyhow, what prompted this blurb was a consonance I felt with some of the sentiments about changing self. Surveying the shifting tone in the deluded ramblings on my blog over time make me realize how much I’ve lost on the spiritual front recently, for cosmically irrelevant gains. So I empathise with your general mood. Part of me thinks that some of this must be attributed to what they call “growing up”. Maybe it’s difficult to feel things as keenly, and interact with the world as deeply as when one has all the world by one’s side. Whether or not this is true, I think grappling with such depressing questions does easily lead to a certain apathy, or a diminishing of passion.

    Please excuse the preceding para for not really resolving or conveying anything. I think all I really wanted to say was: you never need worry about how life is going for you, because you can be sure it’ll be going worse for me 🙂

  2. karnok says:

    Bonjour! Good to hear from you 🙂 Maybe it’s obvious but these posts should be taken with a bucket of salt. I deliberately try to explore the darkest things that seem to be bothering me, it only seems fair and honest. The point being, thing’s are actually going very well if this is all I can complain about. Some vague yearning of the heart. Better to feel the lack of something than to be dead inside and feel nothing!

    I hope things are not going badly for you. I find it much more comforting to know that people are doing better than me than worse! I do feel a bit of that desensitisation of “growing up”, feeling obliged to fit into a role I didn’t want or am not ready for. I still like running around and playing.

    I’d be flattered if my posts read as anything more than random garbage. I do make an attempt at some kind of universal human relevance which is why I might sound a little dramatic sometimes.

  3. Aditya says:

    No need to explain my friend, I of all people know how the contents of a post aren’t necessarily the complete picture! That extends to comments too 😉 I don’t think I’m as unhappy as the comment suggested, but let’s just say that my dark corners have explored similar possibilities to your dark corners going by your post.

    As for “random garbage”, you do yourself a grave disservice, sirrah. I admire anyone who can conduct such a deep level of introspection and then express it in a way that others can connect to.

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