Still

What isn’t said. The roles we slide into. Little subconscious things. The best things. The stuff of real, innocent, invisible love. Affection unbarred by politics. Who do you talk to, stay with? Who do you feel comfortable around? Where you can be yourself? You feel like you actually belong, have a purpose. You’re a unique person and you like yourself. But that was a dream from a week ago. You don’t know where it came from. It’ll never happen in real life. What can you do? It’s unreachable, something you will never experience.

Being at one with yourself. Over time. There’s many mes. There’s me but then there’s me earlier and later on. All the different skills, ways of thinking. Do they work together? I think Aristotle was into the harmony of mind and body and soul or something. Letting each part do it’s appropriate job. I’ve got to start planning for myself. Creating personal challenges. I don’t need a break, I need new ways of connecting things. Of making the most of my struggles and confusion. It’s when you’re afraid that you become selfish. When you feel isolated. Realise what you’re really capable of. Especially when what you do today builds upon what you’ve done for the last week, the last few months and sets you up even better for tomorrow.

Where does it start? Do you do it hoping it will get you in a good mood or do you find yourself in a good mood and that’s why you do it? What should you do when you’re feeling dark? It’s tempting to find a quick solution. But that doesn’t seem right. It’ll just come back again. Find a real, lasting explanation. A way to see what’s really going on. To measure things. Feeling empty and used. Pathetic. I want less. I want to prove something. More important than feeling happy is really feeling. It all seems so distant and fake. Nobody seems to value laughter all that much. Well, you get shot down a lot. But it’s one of the realer feelings. It’s present. What’s wrong with sadness or profundity? This could be a turning point. Trial and error. This is another try. Maybe it will turn out differently. You could break the cycle. Why does it suddenly become an issue if you don’t fit other peoples’ model of happiness?

If it was easy, you would have already done it. Sometimes I forget why. Why I do what I do. Why I do it the way I do it. What’s appropriate and why. What’s important and why. Who I am. Am I more than what people see or just delusional? The final battle. A cold war. A cascade of good moments. Every second is healing. Cease the lies. Sorry, what am I talking about?! There has to be a way to “grieve”. When you realise something is lost. To laugh at it. To see you didn’t lose anything. You never had it in the first place! To see the value of your fragility. Your rarity. To reach into unknown worlds. Open up and do it differently this time. Without blaming. How close you were to nothing. How did you pull yourself together?

It’s an eternal battle. Discipline. Personal feelings against the greater good. If it seems hard, it may be a good thing. Understanding can’t be a bad thing. So, stretch yourself and feel the awkwardness. Let it motivate you. One day it will be easy and you’ll be grateful you kept on working at it. I never do things for other people. Never get them gifts. Never remember their birthdays. Don’t care about mother’s day or father’s day or valentine’s day. All a waste of time according to me. But then, you wonder why you don’t have “good” friends. I turn them down. I don’t even know myself. I’m jealous of everyone. Their oneness with themselves. Their innocence of obsession and hatred. Once you break the rules, you can never go back.

How do you expel corruption? One step at a time? Focus on yourself and destroy it from within? Scare others into avoiding it? Speed up the process of karma? How do you become one of the influential people? How do you keep believing in your principles? You have to be hard-working. Search for that missing piece. Stick to your guns. The answers will come. Soon. Eventually. Time has no meaning anymore. The days pass by and I’ve thrown away some more of my life. More afraid than ever before of trying to find a place in the world.

We punish ourselves indefinitely for a single “sin”. Don’t put yourself in somebody else’s hands. Look back at what you can. Free up your vision. Get rid of unnecessary things hanging over you. What is my mood now? Crushed and confused, as always. Forward and backwards. That eternally ambiguous direction. Not knowing but always wondering. Trying not to be overcome with self-hatred. Why is it so prominent? Of all the drives. Don’t be disappointed. Only positive actions.

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About karnok

A legendary ninja.
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